Disconnected

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Fallible. Exacerbate. Doldrums. Dissonance. Quixotic. Raze. Vagary.

*words from The Lover’s Dictionary.

A Duncan had given up on himself. He had deleted his two chat application and de-activated his one and only Facebook account (it can be deleted… but he won’t for the time being).

A Duncan felt disappointment on himself. He waited a phone call from Hurricane and waiting feverishly… until he received a text message that says:

“G’night. Talk tmr”.

That was it. From that moment on… he knew now… it had became impersonal. That message itself became impersonal. Best friends = impersonal friendship.

It hurts deeply… the wound opens up even worst… a stab in the heart… and he feels like he has being abandoned. He knows now how his male best friend feels before… and he felt then that a Duncan abandoned him and how two of them are just mere friends. At least, his male best friend made effort to type the reason if he can’t make it in a longer sentence… and now…

A Duncan is left without a best friend. The true meaning of it is no longer there.

He does not know what to feel any more. He knows now… how empty it is. He finally lost… every thing.

A Duncan will not blame Hurricane… her actions says a lot now… and even the feeling of being abandon is there… he has to accept it. A Duncan, no longer that important, is finally given up on himself. He did not give up on Hurricane or abandon her; he just given up himself.

A Duncan finally learns now – never… ever… put… relationships first. Friends are more important!

Abandoned. Lost. Alone.

What matters now – his own future.

This will be a Duncan’s last post. He thanks you for reading his journey.

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A Prologue Of… Disconnect…

A Duncan, once before and for 2 years, isolate himself from every thing. It was some thing that A Duncan did after the turn of 18 and until he was 20, he slowly connect himself to society.

It was some thing that he made a decision he never thought he could do it. Once he connects with society – he is socially-connected. It was some thing he never thought he was able to – no talking to friends, no making any new ones, and all he ever did was… disconnect.

It was a self – abandonment he never thought he could do it… and he did it for two years.

In a society that runs the importance of connecting each other via phone…

… maybe it is time to disconnect electronically… and connect to the real world instead. No phones… no social media… disconnect from the people he know.

Feeling feverish at this moment – A Duncan now is feeling sick while he types this note… and chances are if tomorrow it gets worst… he needs to stay in bed.

Any thing can happen tonight… and any thing can happen tomorrow…

Holding On… That’s All A Duncan Can Do…

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It is easy to give up. It is easy to give up hope. To escape is to leave every thing behind. To know that the hurt will eventually go away. To be better… to just recover.

Some times, a decision changes things. Some times, there are possibility of any thing can happen in the future. Even if one person make a choice, does not mean they stick to it.

There was a time… a Duncan hold on. There was a time, when he did… it hurts a lot. He hold on so much… and it hurt so much. Knowing that someone he cared for change (telling him she will delete the memories they have together, that there are curfews and there are restrictions) is what hurt him the most. There was the time the hurt was so bad… that his ex was not… or just the sound of it. Of course… in time, knowing what she told him because her new boyfriend told her do not do this or that… she obeyed and a Duncan just felt… that there is no point at all to continue.

These are what a Duncan gone through before. He has yet to find someone strong, someone sure of having him into someone’s life… until he met Hurricane.

There are things a Duncan had seen how sure Hurricane was for him. He had experience with her too… but a Duncan just… thought that Hurricane made up her mind.

The thing was – she was not sure what to chose.

Still – Hurricane did want him to be part of her life. That was the one sure thing she has about him – whether it is best friend or more.

Now –  a Duncan and Hurricane, as she has said are best friends. The definition is different; not the kind he thought it was. Slowly, there are small changes. It was not the same any more. It was not the familiar ground of it.

When one person made a decision, it sticks. That’s how a Duncan is. He made a decision he will stick by it… but he has no idea why… he can’t at all when it comes to Hurricane. He just… have a very slim, very small… hope.

Still, after reading Hurricane’s reply on text – he felt (it is him alone) she had move on after a Duncan forced her to decide. Just to not have any more stress, not to be depress and getting hurt. A Duncan felt… in his own part, Hurricane had move on.

Looking back – A Duncan now did made one decision on his own that he posted in his blog – AFFIRMATION.

Yes… even if it hurts… no matter what… he will still love her. It is the only thing he can do right now… holding on. He did made that decision and he is not changing it… unless he himself will change it “if” only Hurricane will…

If ever right now, he does not want to think about the future. All he could think about… is what is enough. Do what he think he should do for himself and just see what the future will be like.

He knows now… even if he smile on the outside, he is lying to himself that he is happy because that is the truth that based on a lie he show to others.

Holding on… time and space for now…

If Nothing Gets Better… Nothing Does…

A Duncan knows when times are good, it means the best things are coming. When times are bad, the worst things will arrive. Life has always been about ups and downs. It can be good and it can be bad. If life is left alone… it will reset and it will be back to normal.

It is just recently, listening to Kina Grannis latest single “Sorry”. There’s passion and relation to it. It spoke to a Duncan a lot. One that a Duncan felt when there is “change”… there is.

Knowing how life is – when there is “change”, it can be good and it can be bad. In change, there is consequences… it changes the path of a person. It is a change when one person changes habits. It is a change when one person makes a little amendments of things. In previous post, a Duncan’s mood can change a little based on how people behave around him. It is some thing a Duncan can’t do any thing about it.

Here is the lyrics of “Sorry”

Let’s stop pretending

It’s bad enough that we both got scared

Both gave up a little

If I know one thing

It’s that there is too many parts of air

That tease and touch between us

We should be more than this

Oh my lover let’s start over will we ever say we’re sorry

It’s not going to get better if we never say we’re sorry

What are you meaning

Somehow it feels you are a world away

While I just wait here

And I know these are the things

The little moments that bring us closer

If we make it there

Leave your words

Take my hand

Oh my lover let’s start over will we ever say we’re sorry

It’s not going to get better if we never say we’re sorry

Can we stop this now

For good

For good

I will love you anyhow

For good

For good

So let me take you by the hand

For good

For good

And if we care we’ll understand

Oh my lover let’s start over will we ever say we’re sorry

It’s not going to get better if we never say we’re sorry

Oh my lover let’s start over will we ever say we’re sorry

It’s not going to get better if we never say we’re sorry

Maybe it is time… maybe it is time to understand about “changes”… well… A Duncan has to accept it.

“Changes”… nothing gets better… nothing will. Learn to accept… learn to just… do what needs to be done.

From “I Like You” to “I Love You” – A Duncan’s Tale of Love and Lost.

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In most days a Duncan always look for answers what he is missing. He always thought he found… “the one”. He always thought he found… “his soulmate”. He always thought that one day he will find his… “destiny”. In all of every thing – a Duncan always thought he found what he was looking for – one that he will end up with.

After four serious relationships – he does not know the true meaning of the words he had hope for:

 

“The One”

“Soulmate”

“Destiny”

 

He do not know if he ever find someone that he will end up with. He does not know if finding someone to end up with is what he wants. He do know one thing – that he need to do something for himself. In any relationships – if you love yourself for who you are and what you are, the right person will come. Still… relationships are complicated. They are so complicated, some times it stops you from knowing what the future is like. Some times, you do not know whether the one you are seeing “might be” the right one. It is true – a Duncan might have found his “match” with Hurricane… but that does not mean that she might be sure that it is a Duncan. She might not even be sure that a Duncan is the one she is looking for.

 

Still, relationships are complicated… so is love.

 

The words that were uttered… he knows that he will never use them… with one word now that has been used… it is the word he has always been looking forward to and it is the word spoken by Hurricane.

The conversation that took place was in Coffee Coftea where they had a talk about almost every thing. During the conversation – she had said that a Duncan’s smell is intoxicating. What follows is this:-

 

“In what way my smell is that intoxicating?”

“It is like… It smells like…”

Pause

“… Home.” and she look at a Duncan

 

Yes, a Duncan had mention this before in the previous post. This is one that his heart stopped. This is the one that for a moment a Duncan’s feelings were mix of joy and fear, happiness and unsure. Hurricane had said the right words – the one that a Duncan wanted to hear… but is it truly?

 

Fear – the one thing that had affected a Duncan badly was what grips him that had happened in the past with his 3rd ex-girlfriend. He had place his faith, his life and even every thing to her and he did keep trying. His ex gave up on him only she herself know why… still, we all have fears.

 

Relationships. Love. Commitment. Assurance. Contentment. Faith.

 

A Duncan survived long enough now – but when he is sure of making a commitment to someone, what makes him unsure is if that someone decide to make the same commitment with him. Uncertainty… and it hurts.

A Duncan had embrace hurt from love. Had accepted now that love may bring joy, may bring smiles to a person’s face but it also can tear us apart and can hurt us deeply. It can even… destroy us too.

If one person never experience love at all, he or she will never be able to describe in their own words what love is. This is what we call… Accumulation.

Wong Fu Productions, created by Wes, Phil and Ted, short-film/music video and vlog film makers, had touched the hearts deeply in many ways describe what relationships are. One particular video that says it all is, just like a Duncan mention, entitled “Accumulated” describe relationships of “likes” and “love” as it is.

It shows how far when one person do not see what is in front of them – that chances are – describe what makes sense. Watched the clip towards the end – because from a Duncan understanding – what make’s the one… is all about choice.

From Pen To Paper to From Chalk to Chalk Board – A Duncan’s Continuation of Project Quotes.

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Since late February this year, a Duncan started a project using a chalk board to write inspiration and motivational words. It started with a few words but soon, it did not fly off constantly well as a Duncan was busy with Sports Day events.

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As of what happen to him with Casey and then soon later with Hurricane, the project stop. Now… he continues… with what he is looking for!

He went to an event that consist of selling stationery items… and he found two notebooks. One from Pebble Paper Co., which a Duncan will use to write quotes of his own (original, not copied) to inspire, motivate, to relate and to the comfort of the heart while another from B’Nottee, with the same intention with only one main goal – for travelling.

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A Duncan felt its time to fly off with it… and yet, he is still looking for the ultimate notebook that suits him. Colors do play a role, same as the design and uses of it.

Who knows in the future – he might find what he is looking for…

It’s About Effort!

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A Duncan look back in the past. He realizes that a Duncan before had given up on making effort for those who don’t make an effort for him. He had done so before – he made effort for those he cared for and they do not and eventually it died out.

It happened to his male best friend. It had happened to his closed friend. It happened to those he trust. He had tried making effort for those but people who just do not make that effort, eventually – a Duncan move on and let go…

This is a path a Duncan experience. While old friends have return to a Duncan and they make effort for him,  a Duncan did show up. When a Duncan was in Manila, he was still sick and made an effort to visit his friends he had known more than 5 years to visit. He was coughing, having flu and phlegm. He does not care how sick he was – that was the effort he made for his friends and they know he was sick and it is worth it.

If a Duncan don’t make an effort, his friends will be disappointed. He had let others down before… but he made sure he will do it. He will return to Phillipines and definitely will go to Indonesia too. The hardest part – to visit his American friend in Netherlands. He do not know if he can achieve that and he had promised her a few times. He realizes words only are not that important – what is important are the words that go along with the action.

He will try…. no matter what.

Thinking now – he also know when someone he cares for is doing less effort, it can influence a Duncan too. He had tried so before and the worst of it – a Duncan actions are affected by those he is surrounded with. When the person he love and care for make less effort, so is a Duncan. It happened to his ex… and when it does – a Duncan start to care less.

A Duncan did what he could now… and he knows that this is some thing that he can’t help it. It does not mean he will wait for that someone to make effort. If its the same amount and not controlled, without setting boundaries, it will be… a life time of any relationship that will last forever and not that bullshit that people love to make excuse “people change and that’s life” crap.

He will sacrifice to those he cared for… and action speaks itself but when efforts are becoming lesser and lesser, it accumulates. When it accumulates, depending up or down, it has consequences.

A Duncan knows this because he has always been down that road before… and by far, nothing changes. He remembers that his male best friend said if a Duncan ever marries in Australia, he will made reservations to go to his wedding there. A Duncan knows these are just words… he has yet to see his male best friend in action. Knowing what his male best friend going through right now – so far he do made an effort whenever meeting up (and a Duncan hates it when it has to be some where convenient for his male best friend… at times, he do notice that). Will his male best friend ever really say what he said before and fulfilled it? A Duncan does not know… time do plays a role… and so does it play on a Duncan too.